this is sort of a sequel to a previous post, plant-based RPG, which you might want to read first!

just over a year ago i documented my hesitant steps into proper vegetarianism. i struggle, ethically, with the idea of consuming animal products, but i struggle emotionally with restricting my eating and avoiding foods i really love. i seek excitement but i need safe routine to fall back on (as i mentioned in another post from last year, titled repetitive eating, about when i poisoned myself by eating the same breakfast too much). making changes is challenging and it’s something i have to do in small steps. a year later, how have things developed?

a lot happened with life and with my health, as it does, and there were periods where i was less vegetarian, notably a period of a few months where my wife was trying out keto for her health issues and i joined her. but when she was able to move on from the insane restrictions of the ketogenic diet, and could suddenly choose what to eat and why, it turned out she too started to gravitate towards vegetarianism and then veganism, and i’m back on my meat free bullshit too!

i think food is really important to talk about, but it’s also fraught and challenging and emotional. not only are we all terribly attached to our favorite foods and the cultural associations with them, but food is inextricably connected to our bodies. to talk about food is also to talk about both health and weight, which are not easy topics. forgive me! the next two paragraphs are about weight.

i am what we call “a bit fat” and have at times been “quite fat,” which has been both an obstacle and a blessing at various points in my life. growing up as a fat girl (it really started around puberty, when i was suddenly, consistently perceived as a girl or even as a Young Woman, and hated every moment of it) has provided me with a peculiar layer of distance to those who grew up thin. thin women, especially those who can maintain a level of personal upkeep i find impossible, still feel like another species to me, and definitely a distinct gender.

like many fat people (and even many thin people!) i have a complex, sometimes disordered relationship with food. as a teenager i had my brushes with bulimia, which left me with fragile enamel in my teeth but few long-lasting physical effects. i have hoarded, binged, and restricted. of course, the only thing which has had a positive impact on my health and happiness has been realising (with the help of dieticians, psychologists and my wife) that i am not an algorithm that needs to be rewarded or punished.

enough of talking about weight. i would also, unfortunately, like to talk about a tiny bit health, in the least judgmental way possible. i am currently struggling with my health in ways unrelated to diet (which is going to need a whole ‘nother blog post, yet again) but, in general, i am inclined to believe the idea that foods which are minimally processed — sometimes referred to as “whole foods” — are healthier and more sustainable foodstuffs, while more processed foods, in addition to relying on a whole modern supply chain that is Less Than Ideal, have overall been shown to be worse for you. this is less relevant when discussing food overall (is a pound of beef equivalent to a pound of spinach in any way? well, they both have a lot of iron) but becomes an interesting metric for discussing different types of food within a category, such as the category of “vegan.”

here are three subcategories of vegan thing i have been eating:

A) Vegan Whole Foods Almost Everyone Agrees Are Good For You

these are the things that we all secretly wish we wanted to eat, and i am extremely jealous of the people who seem to naturally want to eat them (my wife is one of those). i do love baby spinach, and i tolerate fresh fruits, chickpeas and shredded cabbage in certain quantities. growing up, my parents disdainfully referred to this as Rabbit Food. if you put a plate of just this style of food in front of me, piled up, i will kill you with my bare hands just to feel something.

B) Minimally Processed Vegan Foods That Are Considerably Better For You Than Most Things And Are Delicious

avocados are awesome, huge handfuls of walnuts are awesome; some people are really averse to eating large amounts of fat and those people don’t know how to live (or of course have reasonable gallbladder issues or something I guess). carbohydrates also get a bad rap, but if you put a bowl of wholemeal pasta or potatoes and sweet potatoes in front of me, i’m very happy. top them with margarine (more fat, I love fat!!!) or pesto with no parmesan and i’m even happier. i realised recently that i was more excited about eating a bunch of dried dates with seeds and peanut butter than i was about buying vegan-friendly ice cream, which was a real shocker; it just felt like a way to get more bang for my buck and still receive delicious sugar and fats.

in a perfect world i’d eat hummus and carrot sticks or something. in the world we live in i can eat unlimited hummus but only if there’s a corn chip vehicle. i love hummus and corn chips!!!

C) Processed Vegan Shit That Brings Joy To My Life. Something Has To Give, Man!

growing up, my vegan babysitter Sistar mostly ate stuff like Oreos. this one’s for you, Sissy!

you may recall from my previous post that i love meat and dairy, so of course it’s a challenge to no longer eat those things. at first i was just trying to replace it with the above two categories of vegan thing, and it was making me miserable because nothing felt particularly exciting. my savior has been introducing some mysterious, highly-processed packaged stuff you can get at good Asian supermarkets.

a brand called Everbest (who does not sponsor me, but they should) has really come in clutch here. they make a variety of fake meat that is delicious and quite texturally convincing; their fake Chinese BBQ style duck is my personal favorite, chucked in the air fryer. an aside: fake meat doesn’t taste like real meat, and that’s okay. if decisions you believe to be more ethical were also easy and painless everyone would do them. i absolutely, 100% miss the taste of chicken fat and ribeye steak, and it’s highly unlikely that any vegan food will be both sustainable to produce and convincingly like either of those things. meat substitutes shine or shatter based on context and accompaniments! i’ve also been chowing down on pork-free BBQ pork buns (actually just as good as the real thing, which very rarely tastes of delicious pork anyway), and tonight i’m having vegan dumplings that claim to be Buldak inspired.

in the same way, fake cheese doesn’t taste like real cheese, and that is also okay. i’ve been running through the gauntlet of dairy substitutes, noticing which ones only provide colour and which understand that i don’t eat with my eyes and also want flavor and texture in there. (can we talk about people who say that you can use smoked carrot as a substitute for smoked salmon? we need to fight those people. the thing I liked about salmon was not that it was orange.) instead of running through the same gauntlet, if you live in Aotearoa New Zealand like i do, you should simply trust me: get the Veesey brand and don’t expect it to taste exactly like cheese, but it’s damn good.

in fact, i hit a serious milestone last night, which inspired me to make this post: i made macaroni and “cheese” and really enjoyed it, presumably because i’ve gone long enough without having real cheese! the recipe is as follows…

“Pretty Damn Good Macaroni And Not-Cheese“

Probably Around 100g Of The Cheapest Whole Wheat Pasta (pick your favorite shape)

A Big Old Handful of Veesey Brand Fake Mozzarella Shreds (trust me, their sliced cheese is good for sandwiches but just doesn’t melt like you expect it to)

A Healthy Whack Of Butter Substitute (do not skimp on this; i like the olivani stuff)

Garlic / Onion Powder (plenty)

Some Nutritional Yeast, Why Not (it doesn’t taste like cheese, but it adds a certain umami)

Red Chili Flakes (to taste, but trust me, it’s good)

Boil the pasta for like ten minutes. Drain it.

Melt your butter substitute in a big pan and toss the pasta right back in there on low heat. Add your seasonings and anything else you might like (personal recommendations: veggies that don’t need to cook for long, whole grain mustard, crumbled tofu if you’re into that). Add in a handful of the Veesey shreds and turn the heat OFF; stir like crazy until it’s all globbed together into a delicious, creamy looking, cheese-adjacent mess.

ONE FINAL NOTE: without judgment as to your favorite garbage, there is some processed vegan stuff so beyond the pale I can’t bring myself to touch it. if you’re an ice cream fan (I am!) in Aotearoa, my personal favorites are Duck Island’s vegan peanut butter cookie dough flavor and the Cookie Time vegan ice cream sandwich, which are coconut-based but not overpoweringly coconut-flavored. I read through the ingredients lists on quite a few other vegan ice creams, assuming that they, too, would replace the cream with… you know, coconut, and actually a lot of it is just whipped sugar water and random oils and emulsifiers. i don’t think it’s gonna kill you, but it creeps me out. there was also some health nut vegan ice cream that was sugar water, random fat/emulsifiers and CAULIFLOWER, which just seems like overkill and i’m unconvinced. can’t i just eat cauliflower for dinner and ice cream for dessert?